People-pleasing, emotional safety & why weight loss was never just about food
- Sonia McIndoe
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
"Stay agreeable" = "stay safe" - how food becomes regulation
For most of us, weight gain didn’t arrive overnight.
It crept in quietly. Through snacking to calm a nervous system on edge.Through eating feelings that never felt safe to express.Through mindless munching at the end of long days of holding everything – and everyone – together. What I called “me time”.
If you know my work, you know I’m always looking underneath our pull towards food - and why we do what we do.
Because lasting change doesn’t come from discipline or shame – it comes from understanding.
And underneath it all, there’s a pattern I see again and again.
People-pleasing
Not because you’re “too nice” or lack willpower. But because your nervous system learned early that staying safe meant staying agreeable.
This matters more than most people realise.
People-pleasing is one of the most overlooked drivers of emotional eating and long-term weight struggles - especially after years of dieting, weight loss surgery, or using GLP-1s.
I’ve worked with thousands of women on weight loss journeys, and around 95% describe themselves as people-pleasers or rescuers. That’s not a coincidence. It’s a direct link.
Weight loss isn’t just about food.
It’s about emotional safety, boundaries, and self-worth
⸻
What people-pleasing really is (and what it isn’t)
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a survival strategy.
Many women learned early that love, safety, or approval came with conditions. So they adapted.
People-pleasing often grows out of fear – fear of conflict, fear of disappointing others, fear of rejection or abandonment.
On the outside, it can look like kindness. On the inside, it often feels like self-sacrifice, burnout, resentment, and a quiet loss of self.
You learn to read the room before you read yourself.
And when your needs are always put last, food becomes the fastest way to meet them.
The nervous system link (this changes everything)
People-pleasing is deeply connected to the nervous system.
It’s part of the fawn response – a stress response where the body learns, “If I stay agreeable, I stay safe.”
When your nervous system is in survival mode:
You struggle to speak your truth
You say yes while your body is screaming no
You override your own signals to keep the peace
In the Red Zone (fight/flight) or Blue Zone (shutdown/freeze), boundaries feel threatening.
That internal mismatch - saying yes while feeling unsafe - creates emotional stress.
And emotional stress increases food noise.
Food becomes regulation.
Not because you’re weak.
Because your body is trying to settle itself.
⸻
How early patterns set this up
Growing up around yelling, emotional absence, or blurred boundaries shapes the nervous system.
Not by choice – by biology.
Over time, this can lead to:
• Low self-esteem - learning early that you’re “too much” or “not enough”
• Difficulty setting boundaries - never seeing healthy ones modelled
• Emotional dysregulation - big feelings with no safe place to land
• Fear of abandonment - staying agreeable to avoid being left
• Trust issues - always scanning for danger
• Perfectionism and people-pleasing - performing (or masking) to stay safe
These patterns don’t disappear in adulthood.
They show up in relationships, at work, and very often – in our relationship with food.
⸻
When people-pleasing meets food
Over time, people-pleasing takes a toll.
You’re exhausted from doing everything for everyone else.
There’s little energy left for yourself.
Resentment builds, but you swallow it.
Overwhelm rises, and dopamine becomes relief.
Food steps in.
People-pleasing contributes to weight struggles through:
Eating to soothe emotional overload
Grabbing comfort when rest isn’t available
Social eating to avoid awkwardness
Saying yes to food you don’t want
Losing touch with hunger and fullness cues
When survival mode is running the show, the body overrides logic. This is not logical; it’s psychological.
This isn’t about willpower. It’s about a nervous system doing its job.
⸻
Emotional eating: the only place you stop performing
For many people-pleasers, food becomes the only space where the mask comes off.
With food:
You don’t disappoint anyone
You don’t have to explain yourself
You don’t have to be “good”
You finally receive comfort
Emotional eating isn’t really about food.
It’s often the only moment you stop people-pleasing. That’s why it can feel so comforting – and so hard to let go of.
Signs you might be people-pleasing around food You might recognise yourself here:
Eating so others don’t feel uncomfortable
Accepting food to avoid awkwardness
Cooking multiple meals until you’re exhausted
Eating quickly so you “don’t make it a thing”
Feeling anxious saying no
Feeling guilty prioritising your health
None of this means you’re failing.
It means your nervous system learned that safety came from compliance.
⸻
We are bariatrics for life. We need workable strategies that are ours and that fit our lifestyle for life.
Instead of trying to dominate my body, I learned to listen to it.
To notice signals.
To respect limits.
To work with my body, not against it.
Listening to our body is called Introspection, and it has been one of the most life changing skills I’ve ever learnt. It is essential for true self care. I didn’t even know what it meant before I had weight loss surgery. I certainly didn’t know how to do it. Now it’s as natural as breathing. I get such a buzz out of teaching it to my peeps.
⸻
Emotional neglect & “I’m fine”
For many women – especially those with ADHD – emotional neglect adds another layer.
ADHD isn’t caused by trauma, but being misunderstood for years shapes the nervous system.
When you’re told to try harder, stop overreacting, or just focus, you learn to doubt your own experience.
You adapt by masking, over-functioning, people-pleasing, and striving to belong.
That constant tension often shows up as anxiety, emotional eating, perfectionism, and burnout.
These aren’t bad habits. They’re survival patterns.
⸻
Why this often shows up after weight loss surgery
Surgery changes the stomach. It doesn’t change the nervous system.
When life feels unsafe or overwhelming, the body reaches for familiar coping strategies.
That’s why people-pleasing patterns often resurface during regain, when boundaries are missing, or when emotional support is thin.
Weight maintenance is psychological, not just physical.
⸻
What changes when you honour your needs
When you start listening to yourself:
Food noise softens
Emotional safety increases
Binge triggers lose intensity
Resentment eases
Stress eating reduces
Boundaries create safety.
Safety allows regulation.
Regulation supports calmer food choices.
Saying no becomes self-care – not conflict.
You don’t need another resolution that makes you feel behind by mid-month.
You don’t need more “should” layered on top of exhaustion.
What you need - what I needed - was permission to stop reinventing and start reconnecting. To return to: • your values • your body • your calm zone • your true self • your capacity for compassion
⸻
Gentle, practical first steps (not perfect ones)
This doesn’t start with “better boundaries”.
It starts with noticing your body.
Try this:
Notice the body signal before saying yes
Pause before responding
Use simple language:
“That doesn’t work for me today.”
“No thanks, I’m already sorted.”
“I’m focusing on my health right now.”
Replace guilt with appreciation: “Thanks for understanding.”
Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
Small moments of honesty build safety over time.
Why this matters for long term success
People-pleasing is one of the most common mental regain triggers.
Because boundaries protect emotional capacity. Emotional capacity protects food choices. Food choices support weight maintenance.
This was never just about the plate.
It’s about emotional freedom.
You are not failing.
You’re unlearning a lifetime of conditioning.
Nothing about this means you’re broken.
It means your nervous system adapted brilliantly to survive.
And it can learn something new.
Choosing yourself isn’t selfish.
It’s the beginning of safety.
If this resonated, you don’t have to do this alone.
Mind Empowerment is a space where people-pleasers learn:
• Emotional regulation
• Boundaries without guilt
• Nervous-system safety
• And self-worth that doesn’t depend on approval
People-pleasers don’t need more discipline.
They need support, understanding, and tools that work with their biology - not against it.
If this resonated, please know, your relationship with food was shaped by biology, psychology, and coping - not a character flaw or personality trait.
If you’re ready to build self-trust, calm food noise, and feel safer in your body, I can help.
Learn more about Mind Empowerment coaching programme or join my free NOURISH community.
Join me for a free webinar!
So, I’ll leave you with a warm invitation to my 8 Fundamentals FREE webinar where I share my daily to-do list and how I actually manage my bariatric journey day by day.
It’s in an ‘hour of power’ where I squeeze a lot of valuable information for you into the 60 minutes on Zoom - totally for free.
Ready for more? Let's do the groundwork together in small group coaching via Zoom, so you can join from anywhere in New Zealand.
About Sonia McIndoe
Hi! I'm Sonia, a NZ Bariatric Life Coach, who has had weight loss surgery and maintained a 70kg weight loss for over a decade. I walk the walk and have dealt with my own regain by continuing to use and hone my own fundamentals and strategies, which I share with you. Like you, I struggled with my weight...
I actually struggled with my weight my entire life. At 5 years of age my ballet teacher told me “I danced like a baby elephant”. I yo-yo dieted my way to a body I loathed and had given up on. Food was my friend - but it was a love/hate relationship. In many ways it saved me, but it was also slowly killing me.
I wasn’t convinced even Weight Loss Surgery would work for me … why would it when nothing else had!
More than 10 years post Weight Loss Surgery later and still several dress sizes smaller, I am the happiest I have ever been.
You can have the success you dream of too. I am so passionate about sharing how, that I work full time as a Bariatric Coach.
I credit my Weight Loss Surgery with my 70kg weight loss, but keeping it off, I credit to doing the mind work. It’s this mind work that I teach in my Mind Empowerment coaching programmes.
The Mind Empowerment Programme
Sonia McIndoe's coaching programme is called Mind Empowerment and starts with a free one hour webinar, "The 8 Fundamentals for Bariatric Success".
The next stage is "Mind Empowerment" group coaching by Zoom, followed by Stay on Track.
One on one individual coaching is also available. Sonia coaches live via Zoom, so you can be anywhere in New Zealand and access help from her as your weight loss coach.
Find out more at www.mindempowerment.co.nz
