Boundaries Aren’t Barriers - They’re Love Lines.
- Sonia McIndoe
- Jun 29
- 6 min read
Reclaiming Your Energy, Emotional Health, and Self-Worth.
I didn’t realise I had a boundaries problem until I was completely depleted - mentally, emotionally, even physically. I was saying yes when I meant no, giving out energy I didn’t have, and quietly resenting the people I loved. Then I heard this line on a podcast: “If you’re constantly exhausted by other people’s needs, you probably don’t have strong boundaries.”
It stopped me in my tracks.
Later that week, I stumbled across ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It was one of those moments when the universe speaks loudly. That book became a permission slip. Not to become hardened or distant, but to become whole again.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Too often, we associate boundaries with harsh lines or broken relationships. But boundaries, when set with clarity and compassion, build bridges. As Lysa TerKeurst writes in ‘Good Boundaries and Goodbyes’, “Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges to better relationships.”
I see this every day with my clients, especially women who’ve spent years dieting, people-pleasing, and believing that being “nice” meant being available, agreeable, and self-sacrificing. The cost? Burnout, emotional eating, resentment, and shame.
"Boundaries aren’t about controlling others. They’re about taking responsibility for your own peace. They let others know how to love you, how to treat you, and how to respect your energy and emotional needs."
“Love Lines” - a Gentler Frame.
Recently, I was working with a beautiful client who physically recoiled at the word “boundary.” It felt cold, harsh, even unsafe. We explored what was underneath that discomfort, years of being taught that putting herself first was selfish. That love meant sacrifice.
So, we tried something new. We swapped the word boundary for “Love Line” (a term I adopted from Anna Anderson).
Her shoulders dropped. Her whole nervous system softened. “That feels great,” she whispered.
A Love Line is a boundary anchored in self-respect. It’s not about punishment. It’s about protection of your energy, your peace, and your purpose.
Here are some powerful Love Lines we’re learning to normalise:
- “No.”
- “I’m not available for that.”
- “I’m using that time to rest.”
- “I don’t have the emotional capacity for this conversation.”
- “That’s out of scope for me.”
- “I love you, but I won’t allow myself to be treated this way.”
People-Pleasing Isn’t Kindness - It’s Self-Abandonment
Many women, especially those healing from weight struggles or addiction, come to me with decades of internalised beliefs that they have to earn love by being accommodating. That their needs are not as important as everyone else’s. That it’s their role to put others first.
But people-pleasing comes at a cost: it disconnects us from our own needs. From our bodies. From our truth. As Tawwab reminds us, “real kindness isn’t about abandoning ourselves, it’s about being honest about what we can and cannot do.”
You are not a bad person for prioritising your energy. You are not selfish for needing space. You are not unkind for saying no.
Guilt Is Part of Growth
At first, boundary-setting will feel wrong. You may feel selfish, guilty, or afraid of disappointing people.
But guilt is not a sign that you’re doing something wrong - it’s a sign that you’re doing something new.
Guilt is what happens when we break old patterns that once kept us safe. You don’t have to like it - you just need to sit with it, breathe, and keep honouring your truth.
Boundaries Are Especially Important with Family
This is one of the hardest areas for many of my clients. The idea of saying no to a parent, sibling, or adult child can feel unthinkable. But family does not get a free pass to disrespect, override, or emotionally deplete you.
Let’s normalise saying:
- “I don’t have to tell you my business.”
- “Unsolicited advice isn’t helpful.”
- “Just because we’re family doesn’t mean I’m available.”
- “I’m not attending that event because it drains me.”
You are allowed to love someone and still protect your peace. You are allowed to forgive someone without rebuilding the relationship. And you are absolutely allowed to walk away from relationships that are rooted in obligation, not mutual care.
Boundaries Don’t Push People Away - They Create Peace
Here’s what I’ve learned, both in my own recovery and through the powerful stories my clients share:
- When you let go of controlling others, you gain control over yourself.
- When you stop explaining your “no,” you start living your truth.
- When you rest without guilt, you reconnect with your worth.
- When you draw Love Lines, your resentment fades, your energy returns, and your relationships either deepen or make room for better ones.
You weren’t born to be depleted. You were born to shine. And shining begins with self-respect.
A Gentle Invitation
Take a moment today and reflect:
- Where do I feel most drained?
- What boundary or Love Line might protect me in that space?
- Where have I been over-giving or over-explaining?
- What would I say if I trusted that my needs mattered too?
Boundaries are not about becoming hard. They are not about being a bitch. They’re about becoming whole. They are about valuing yourself as highly as everyone you care about in your world.
Let’s start drawing Love Lines with clarity, courage, and compassion. Because the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others is to show up as your most grounded, energised, authentic self.
You are not too much.
You are not selfish.
You are worthy of space, rest, and protection.
And you’re allowed to say no - even if your schedule is open, even if they’re family, even if you’ve said yes before.
Let’s reclaim our energy and remember:
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
Let’s stop abandoning ourselves to keep the peace.
Let’s make peace within and let everything else align from there.
Join me for a free webinar!
So, I’ll leave you with a warm invitation to my 8 Fundamentals FREE webinar where I share my daily to-do list and how I actually manage my bariatric journey day by day.
It’s in an ‘hour of power’ where I squeeze a lot of valuable information for you into the 60 minutes on Zoom - totally for free.
Ready for more? Let's do the "Groundwork" together. This is small group coaching via Zoom, so you can join from anywhere in New Zealand.
About Sonia McIndoe
Hi! I'm Sonia, a NZ Bariatric Life Coach, who has had weight loss surgery and maintained a 70kg weight loss over more than nine years. I walk the walk and have dealt with my own regain by continuing to use and hone my own fundamentals and strategies which I share with you. Like you, I struggled with my weight...
I actually struggled with it my entire life. At 5 years of age my ballet teacher told me “I danced like a baby elephant”. I yo-yo dieted my way to a body I loathed and had given up on. Food was my friend - but it was a love/hate relationship. In many ways it saved me, but it was also slowly killing me.
I wasn’t convinced even Weight Loss Surgery would work for me … why would it when nothing else had!
10 years post Weight Loss Surgery later and still several dress sizes smaller, I am the happiest I have ever been.
You can have the success you dream of too. I am so passionate about sharing how, that I work full time as a Bariatric Coach.
I credit my Weight Loss Surgery with my 70kg weight loss, but keeping it off, I credit to doing the mind work. It’s this mind work that I teach in my Mind Empowerment coaching programmes.
The Mind Empowerment Programme
Sonia McIndoe's coaching programme is called Mind Empowerment and starts with a free one hour webinar, "The 8 Fundamentals for Bariatric Success".
The next stage is group coaching by Zoom to do the "Groundwork", followed by "Mind Empowerment".
One on one individual coaching is also available. Sonia coaches live via Zoom, so you can be anywhere in New Zealand and access help from her as your weight loss coach.
Find out more at www.mindempowerment.co.nz
