Self-Discipline Meets Self-Love
- Sonia McIndoe
- May 4
- 7 min read
An Honest Look at HOW to Achieve Long-Term Change
There’s a version of me I used to carry - one who tried ‘so hard’ to do better but kept getting stuck in cycles of overdoing, numbing, negotiating, and regretting. Whether it was with food, wine, or scrolling endlessly to avoid my emotions, the struggle wasn’t about willpower - it was about disconnection with myself. I disliked (loathed) the me I saw. It was easier not to look.
I’ve learned that self-discipline without self-love is punishment. It often isn’t actual real discipline - it’s more likely fear & shame. And self-love without follow-through - that’s just good intentions dressed up to look like healing. But healing is an action. It’s a choice we make again and again, even when we’re tired, stressed, or doubting ourselves.
This blog isn’t about pushing harder or being more 'disciplined.' It’s about learning to listen in, soften where you once screamed, and back yourself with love. It’s about doing the deep, slow mind work that rewires your patterns and allows long-term change to take root and grow. This gradual process builds true self-belief and self-confidence until eventually I could say,
“I love my life, I’m proud of who I am, what I do and how I respond to life's waves. I really like the ‘me’ I am - I honestly love ME!
I believe this is a journey we are on is actually a journey of self-love. I’m going to share a few of the juicy, honest, deeply lived lessons that keep me sober, grounded, and at my happy weight, not perfectly, but wholeheartedly.
Will Power Alone Isn't Enough
I used to think that if I just 'tried harder,' I’d finally stick to my goals. I bullied and chastised myself for years - thinking discipline meant deprivation and shame. But willpower? It fades when you’re tired, stressed, or dysregulated.
What actually works is changing your environment and shifting your mindset. I had to make the good habits easier and the bad ones harder. And I had to stop being at war with myself.
Self -Love Isn't Bubble Baths (as much as I love my bath...)
It’s Future-Focused Action. Real self-love is asking, “What will help me feel proud tomorrow?” It’s prepping food when I’d rather lie down. Saying no to dessert. Going to bed when I feel like scrolling or watching Netflix.
For me, self-love is protein-first, water always, and staying honest about what I’m feeling. It’s not glamorous. But it’s powerful.
What’s the Next Best Thing?
There’s something powerful about new beginnings. Mondays, new months, even just a new moment can become a reset. I’ve trained myself to say, “What’s the next best thing I can do?” after a trigger or slip-up. That mindset shift has saved me from spiralling. I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to come back. Again and again.
Make Temptations Less Tempting
I used to think resisting temptation was about grit. White knuckling it! But the real magic? Make the temptation less available. I keep my phone in another room when I’m working. I skip the biscuit and chocolate aisles. I delete shopping apps. It’s easier to make the decision once at the supermarket than every single time I’m in the kitchen. Discipline begins at the point of purchase.
Self-Compassion Beats Self-Criticism
I used to think that guilt and shame would push me to do better. But beating myself up never worked long-term. Self-compassion doesn’t mean letting myself off the hook. It means saying, 'That was a hard moment and I’m still worthy of showing up again.' The gentler I am with myself, the stronger and more consistent I become.
Small Changes Build Real Momentum
I’ve let go of all-or-nothing thinking. The belief that I had to overhaul my whole life in one go kept me stuck.
Small, consistent improvements are the secret sauce. Baby steps add up. And tiny wins are still wins.
I don’t need dramatic change - I need sustainable, repeatable actions that work on my worst day.
Accountability Helps Me Keep My Promises to Myself
In the past, I’d give up because I felt invisible - like no one noticed or cared. Now, I live my healthy life out loud. It started with one accountability partner (my husband), but now I’m surrounded by a tribe who get it. Sharing the journey, being seen, celebrated, and supported - it changed everything.
Habits Stick Better When They’re Enjoyable
This one surprised me. If I make my habits even slightly more enjoyable, I’m way more likely to stick to them. Chatting with a friend while I walk. Beautiful journals and stickers for my tracking. Listening to music when I meal prep. Lighting a candle for my meditation. Joy makes “doing the do” easier.
Your Environment Is a Mirror
Your surroundings shape your success. That’s just reality. If your space is cluttered with snacks, distractions, or triggers - your mind will feel chaotic too. I’ve designed my environment to support the version of me I’m growing into. My pantry. My fridge. My office. My calendar. My phone settings. It’s definitely far from perfect - having ADHD means I need things visible, so my piles are part of my system and it works for me. All of it helps me stay true to my why.
Fight, Flight or Freeze
Learning about the nervous system’s role in behaviour changed everything for me. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ ‘Polyvagal Theory’, when our bodies feel unsafe or under threat, we default to survival behaviours - fight, flight, or freeze. For some of us, that means hyper-control (like rigid food rules). For others, it means shutdown and avoidance.
No amount of “discipline” sticks when your body is in survival mode.
True transformation happens when we create ‘internal safety’ first. When we regulate our nervous system with breath, stillness, connection, and compassion, our brain becomes receptive to new patterns. That’s when discipline becomes ‘aligned action’, not punishment.
Healing Isn’t About Hustle - It’s About Regulation
Once I understood how our nervous system works, I stopped calling myself lazy. I wasn’t lazy. I was dysregulated. I was stuck in freeze mode. Learning to breathe, ground, and co-regulate changed everything. You can’t shame yourself into change. But you can soothe yourself into safety and from there, you can move from your default setting to choosing the action that best serves you - responding vs reacting… true empowerment and the very reason I named my business Mind Empowerment.
Start Before You’re Ready
Discipline is not about restriction - it’s about self-respect. Self-love isn’t indulgent, it’s essential. And long-term transformation? It starts in the mind. It grows in the body & soul. And it’s held in your daily choices.
I didn’t get sober because I was ready. I got sober because I was done. I didn’t maintain my weight because I found the perfect plan - I stayed consistent because I stopped waiting for a magical day to arrive. You don’t need a perfect start. You just need to begin.
This is the work we do together in coaching. If you want support that’s gentle, real, and rooted in deep self-awareness, let’s talk. We create systems of care - not punishment. We build sustainable habits that support the life you actually want to live at www.mindempowerment.co.nz
I help people just like you reconnect with their nervous systems, rewire their habits, and anchor their self-discipline in something far more powerful than willpower: “self-worth”.
If you’re tired of starting over or you’re scared you’re slipping, come work with me. Let’s build something sustainable, together.
This isn’t about perfection. It’s about reconnection.
Join me for a free webinar!
So, I’ll leave you with a warm invitation to my 8 Fundamentals FREE webinar where I share my daily to-do list and how I actually manage my bariatric journey day by day.
It’s in an ‘hour of power’ where I squeeze a lot of valuable information for you into the 60 minutes on Zoom - totally for free.
Ready for more? Let's do the "Groundwork" together. This is small group coaching via Zoom, so you can join from anywhere in New Zealand.
About Sonia McIndoe
Hi! I'm Sonia, a NZ Bariatric Life Coach, who has had weight loss surgery and maintained a 70kg weight loss over more than nine years. I walk the walk and have dealt with my own regain by continuing to use and hone my own fundamentals and strategies which I share with you. Like you, I struggled with my weight...
I actually struggled with it my entire life. At 5 years of age my ballet teacher told me “I danced like a baby elephant”. I yo-yo dieted my way to a body I loathed and had given up on. Food was my friend - but it was a love/hate relationship. In many ways it saved me, but it was also slowly killing me.
I wasn’t convinced even Weight Loss Surgery would work for me … why would it when nothing else had!
10 years post Weight Loss Surgery later and still several dress sizes smaller, I am the happiest I have ever been.
You can have the success you dream of too. I am so passionate about sharing how, that I work full time as a Bariatric Coach.
I credit my Weight Loss Surgery with my 70kg weight loss, but keeping it off, I credit to doing the mind work. It’s this mind work that I teach in my Mind Empowerment coaching programmes.
The Mind Empowerment Programme
Sonia McIndoe's coaching programme is called Mind Empowerment and starts with a free one hour webinar, "The 8 Fundamentals for Bariatric Success".
The next stage is group coaching by Zoom to do the "Groundwork", followed by "Mind Empowerment".
One on one individual coaching is also available. Sonia coaches live via Zoom, so you can be anywhere in New Zealand and access help from her as your weight loss coach.
Find out more at www.mindempowerment.co.nz
